She was sixteen when he came into her world. Bold and brash, holding glitter in his hands. Since she had none, she followed his trail of glitter out into the world. He promised her sunshine, riches and adventures. She believed because she had none of her own. He took her place she'd never seen, gave her gold beyond her wildest dreams. They danced in waterfalls, chased falling stars across the sky. They lived every minute, every second.
And when he ran out of glitter, she ate his heart and walked away. She knew the glitter had to have come from someplace.
Despair can always find you. Or you can find despair. It is always out there. I guess the choice is to embrace it or not. Like many dark things that lurk in our world, despair will eat your heart. Turn it bitter. Slowly tear all those good things that live inside you and push them out. Nothing good comes of despair.
There is an antidote. Hope. Hope too can find you. Or you can find hope. Hope shines a light into the dark places and restores your heart. It will remind you of the sweet in this world slowly rebuild those parts of you despair destroyed. There is no choice when it comes to hope.
While has been a really long time since I have posted anything here, it seems fitting it is here I come to write this. A month or so ago, we were trying to figure out how long Tessa had been with us. Keeping track of time isn't one of my strong points and I kept thinking Tessa was 10 years old. So, late one night, I sat down and went through this journal to find the first mention of her. 13 years ago.
We didn't know how old Tessa was when she showed up in Bryan's yard on Spence street. We kept seeing this little red dog playing with Loki in our yard. They seemed to be good friends and would run around, chasing each other for hours. But if one of us went outside, she would instantly disappear. She had no interest in getting to know us. Loki was her friend and all she cared about.
She had a blue collar around her neck, ragged and torn. It looked like the part that would have held the ring had torn free. Pretty impressive as it was a heavy nylon collar and it must have taken an extreme act to tear it. I kept that collar for a long time, often wondering what had scared or hurt her so badly that she found the strength to break free of the chain that held her.
I don't know what had happened to her. I do know the words that eventually set her free. Good girl. Repeated a million times. Until she believed it.
I am sitting here, alone. Bryan is at the shop. Working hard to forget what we've lost. These are my first moments by myself, since she's been gone. I have not brought her bed back into the house. She loved her bed and it is where she spent the last moments of her life. Out in the yard, amongst the leaves, during the time of year she loved, surrounded by people who loved her. With Bryan and I holding her and telling her how much we love her and what a good girl she's been.
For most of the thirteen years she was with us, I woke up to Tessa. She would lay by the bed and wait till I opened my eyes. She was always so happy to see me. I always had this feeling she was scared I wouldn't open my eyes and come back. 13 years, her smiling face was the first thing I saw every day. When she was still spry enough, she would jump on the bed, lie across me and get her tummy rubbed. My heart started to break when she could no longer make the jump onto the bed. It shattered to pieces Saturday morning when I woke up and she was not there to greet me.
A year after we finally caught her and began the long process of helping Tessa heal, Loki was diagnosed with bone cancer and we had to let him go. I have always believed Loki was responsible for bringing Tessa to us. Fanciful thinking, perhaps, but he was that type of dog. We were devastated when we lost him. I think Tessa most of all.
Now she is gone as well. Our last connection to him. A huge loss in her own right. There will never be another dog like her. While I love all my animals and I certainly love Thor, Tessa was my heart dog. She loved me, I was her person.
I have wished for one more summer, one more Fall, one more Christmas...more time with her. I would have given almost anything for her to stay with me.
I sit here, wishing she was still here. With the reality of her loss finally sinking in and nothing to distract me from the hurt of it all. I can't ignore her loss when the house is quiet and she's not lying on her bed. I will miss her more than words can express.
Lily when's she's talking in the next room. " i love you, good girl. Mom, mom, mom i love you. Have kisses?"
Thor sitting in front of the bearded dragon tank, completely enthralled with them. He so wants to play with them. He even tries to give them kisses. He loves all the other critters in the house and checks on each of them to make sure everything is ok.
Tessa rolling on her back for tummy rubs and being so excited to see me every morning. Nothing can make my heart flip like seeing her smile. Well, except DB's smile but it's a close second.
Perch coming to sit on my lap while i'm basking in the sun. i love listening to her purr.
Rex giving me kisses and making the kiss, kiss noise.
Shelby letting me give her skritches after hating me for a year.
Georgie being happy when his girl is playing with him. And finally learning to trust someone who loves him dearly.
Pokey dancing and giving kisses.
Mr Gosh fluttering his wings cause he's happy to see me.
Bean....well, he's still being a hormonal teenager, but he is lovely to look at and sweet to cuddle when he's in the mood for it.
Ozzy and Sharon eating side by side from their treat cups. It's so damn cute and they are so beautiful.
Orchids in beautiful bloom and smelling so lovely.
Genni who is still sticking with us, who still has the energy to play and make us laugh. And her hair is starting to grow back. Maybe she'll be with us for a while yet. i'm glad she decided to stick around even though she's lost her best friend.
My community and the people in it. Even though it sometimes makes me crazy, sad, mad, angry and frustrated, it is the only place i can really be me. It has taught me so much about myself, opened my eyes to the many different types of people out there and taught me acceptance.
People who really do try to hear both sides of the story. And know that good intentions do count for something.
My health holding relatively steady. Not having to go for MRI's every six months anymore.
My friends who do such wonderful things for me. Who tell me they love me, listen to me vent and help make everything ok. Who remind me, every day, why i do what i do. They are the people who keep me sane, give me a kick when i need it, cry with me and most importantly, laugh with me.
Road trips. 'nuff said. You know why.
My Love who can still take my breath away. In the most wonderful ways. Who knows everything there is to know about me and loves me anyway. Who has always been there and has never let me down where it really counts.
Living to see 44 years of age. i didn't think i'd make it this far.
Lily, who just came over, looked at the computer screen and asked "Whatcha doing Mom?"
We were given a couple of free tickets to the Marilyn Manson show. We hadn't planned on going, but hey, free tickets. Good thing they were free as we walked out about 3/4 of the way through.
Easily, the worst concert I've ever been to. Manson looked bored and it seemed like he was just going through the motions. His stage was boring and his "shock" theatrics like the Nazi imagery with dollar signs instead of swastikas just came across as tired.
We were both bored. The center was about 2/3 full and most of the crowd stayed in their seats. Except when they were getting up and walking around.
The best part of the concert was when Manson asked the crowd to hand him a dollar. I guess someone threw a loonie at him as Manson than threatened the guy for throwing something at him and hitting him in the face. Manson then made a crack about our dollar being worth half of an american dollar. The people around us booed him loudly and exclamations of "At least we have an economy!" were heard. That made me laugh.
As we were leaving, I overheard a teenage girl exclaim, "THAT'S Marilyn Manson??" in a voice full of sarcasm. Indeed.