||[Oct. 28th, 2014|08:22 pm]
While has been a really long time since I have posted anything here, it seems fitting it is here I come to write this. A month or so ago, we were trying to figure out how long Tessa had been with us. Keeping track of time isn't one of my strong points and I kept thinking Tessa was 10 years old. So, late one night, I sat down and went through this journal to find the first mention of her. 13 years ago. |
We didn't know how old Tessa was when she showed up in Bryan's yard on Spence street. We kept seeing this little red dog playing with Loki in our yard. They seemed to be good friends and would run around, chasing each other for hours. But if one of us went outside, she would instantly disappear. She had no interest in getting to know us. Loki was her friend and all she cared about.
She had a blue collar around her neck, ragged and torn. It looked like the part that would have held the ring had torn free. Pretty impressive as it was a heavy nylon collar and it must have taken an extreme act to tear it. I kept that collar for a long time, often wondering what had scared or hurt her so badly that she found the strength to break free of the chain that held her.
I don't know what had happened to her. I do know the words that eventually set her free. Good girl. Repeated a million times. Until she believed it.
I am sitting here, alone. Bryan is at the shop. Working hard to forget what we've lost. These are my first moments by myself, since she's been gone. I have not brought her bed back into the house. She loved her bed and it is where she spent the last moments of her life. Out in the yard, amongst the leaves, during the time of year she loved, surrounded by people who loved her. With Bryan and I holding her and telling her how much we love her and what a good girl she's been.
For most of the thirteen years she was with us, I woke up to Tessa. She would lay by the bed and wait till I opened my eyes. She was always so happy to see me. I always had this feeling she was scared I wouldn't open my eyes and come back. 13 years, her smiling face was the first thing I saw every day.
When she was still spry enough, she would jump on the bed, lie across me and get her tummy rubbed. My heart started to break when she could no longer make the jump onto the bed. It shattered to pieces Saturday morning when I woke up and she was not there to greet me.
A year after we finally caught her and began the long process of helping Tessa heal, Loki was diagnosed with bone cancer and we had to let him go. I have always believed Loki was responsible for bringing Tessa to us. Fanciful thinking, perhaps, but he was that type of dog. We were devastated when we lost him. I think Tessa most of all.
Now she is gone as well. Our last connection to him. A huge loss in her own right. There will never be another dog like her. While I love all my animals and I certainly love Thor, Tessa was my heart dog. She loved me, I was her person.
I have wished for one more summer, one more Fall, one more Christmas...more time with her. I would have given almost anything for her to stay with me.
I sit here, wishing she was still here. With the reality of her loss finally sinking in and nothing to distract me from the hurt of it all. I can't ignore her loss when the house is quiet and she's not lying on her bed. I will miss her more than words can express.
Good girl Tessa, good girl.